It’s that time again- time to read a few long distance dedications. These come from a couple of very… unique individuals who I hope are in counseling programs somewhere in their home towns.
The first letter comes to us from a young lady with big plans, and an even bigger ego. Here is her letter…
It’s Jade. Yes, the international supermodel Jade, writing into your little radio show. You should feel very special because every radio host across the country would die for a letter from me. I heard if I write a letter and tell you what I want you to play, you’ll do it, so I want to hear ‘When I Grow Up’ by The Pussycat Dolls.
I know, you’re probably asking yourself why someone like me would want to hear a song about becoming famous when I’m already a household name. Well, my publicist says it would look good if I did something charitable to improve my image – whatever that means. Flip one nun the bird for driving too slow and everyone gets all pissy.
So to help all the young girls out there who dream on becoming… well, me… I decided to do something but rather than waste my time explaining to a bunch of losers how to be famous, this song pretty much sums everything up and then I don’t have to do anything.
Be a doll and play ‘When I Grow Up’ for all your pathetic listeners who have nothing better to do than sit in front of their radio listen to a bunch of sappy sob-stories from total strangers.
Of course no matter what they do, they’ll never be as famous as Jade.
Jade, I’m going to grant your long distance dedication – however I’m only playing it to serve as a lesson for my listeners. Mark my words, ladies, if all you concern yourself with is fame and fortune, you’ll turn out exactly like Jade – and you’ve just seen how repulsive that is.
This next letter comes to us from a young man named David who is interested in a young lady – but is having… trouble expressing himself. Either that or he’s stalking her… I’m not sure yet. But here is his long distance dedication.
Dear Mr. Kasem,
My name is David and I have a problem I’m hoping you can help me with. There’s this woman I’m interested in and I’ve done everything I can think of to entice her into my web and yet she still manages to resist my obvious charms. I’ve offered her a job, offered her dinner, sent her flowers, invited her to dance. When she still rejected me, I decided to drive by her apartment a few times and might even have borrowed my nephew’s binoculars and spied in her window on more than one occasion. I know that sounds creepy and I admit it is, but I’m desperate to make her mine and I thought if I knew every little detail about her and her life I might be able to learn the way to get her attention.
Unfortunately, her nosey neighbors threatened to call the police if they found me standing on the sidewalk outside her apartment again so I’m desperate. Could you please play “One Way or Another” by Blondie and just let her know I’m thinking of her…again?
Desperately David, I’ll play the song but more as a warning to this young lady than anything else. I hope she knows what’s going on and has contacted the local authorities or at the very least, bought a taser. I know someone who teaches self-defense as well, if you need the number…
That’s it for the long distance dedications for tonight. These last two are probably going to give me nightmares. My advice for the night is to stay safe, lock your doors and be nice.
Thanks for listening and as always, keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars.